The Why Behind The Sky

Have you ever carried a conversation while typing, looking at a screen, or cooking a very spicy Mongolian dish while crying?

You know, linguistically multitasking… and in a moment of distraction something comes out that was not intended, out of context, or complete gibberish, which then forces you to quickly backtrack like a chicken stepping in snow for the first time and realizing: oh god, what have I done!

Well, I sure have! I do it a lot, actually. My mind is usually thinking of fifteen different things at a given moment and even in the middle of an engaging conversation, I will mis-state something or say a sentence that made sense in my mind but comes out completely wrong. Informally, these are called verbal typos and I am a typo king, in written and verbal form.

Ok, We Get It, You Apparently Cannot Talk Through a Dinner Order… Why Are You Writing About This?

Great question. I’m going to deviate from our regularly scheduled programing and talk about something that happened in the last few weeks that left me dismayed and distraught, but also realizing an incredibly important lesson in how we engage with other human beings, especially those who could use a little more zen in their day-to-day.

You Mad, Bro?

In my line of work, I have many, and I mean many, interactions with clients, colleagues, and other institutions (I use three screens and have numerous tabs open at any given moment because I am always busy). A few weeks ago, I was on the phone navigating a situation where an operational mistake was made. I was talking through the steps to fix the issue while listening to the frustration from the other person, when I said it… Something so vile that Mother Teresa would have slapped me: “I understand, I’m in the same boat.”

Just for clarification, I was not in the same boat, I was not even in the same ocean as this person. What I should have said and really meant to say was that I heard and understood their frustration with the situation. I unfortunately never got an opportunity to clarify this, as the other individual went into an all caps rage of demigod proportion and started to yell at me. And I mean, really yell. I stayed in complete silence out of shock and fear.

After the tirade was over, and the phone became silent, it was lunchtime! But I most certainly was in no mood for food. You see, that other person was an older man, and if you read my post, An Origin of Faith, you will know that I grew up with an abusive father. That older man on the phone sounded just like my father.

The Big Takeaway

As I slowly processed my feelings and their intensity, I realized that this had complete control over me. My afternoon was essentially over. Not because I wanted it to be, but because my mind was shut down and in a state of flight. I wanted to escape and remove myself from the environment as quickly as possible.

I composed myself as best as I could, wrote out a report of what happened, and after speaking with management, went home.

I kept asking myself: Why did that affect me so much? Why did I feel powerless to speak up or end the conversation?

I was upset at myself and the fact that I could not get over the emotional gridlock this situation caused. Thankfully, I was able to meet with my therapist that same day and dive in a little deeper. I then had the following weekend to really reflect and all of a sudden, like a bolt of lightning or the Cherenkov Radiation effect, I had an epiphany:

As a child, I had no choice but to yield to a reckless, overly authoritative father over exerted total control over me, but I’m an adult now and while this situation placed me in a subconscious predicament, I consciously need to remember that I am not that child and that other person was not my father.

Now being aware of this and practicing it are two completely different things, as I’m pretty sure that if something like this happened again it will trigger a subconscious response that will be difficult to override. But, if I can consciously go into an engagement with a mindset of enforcing my pre-prescribed boundaries, I am hopeful that I can maintain my integrity and my autonomy.

Remember, some people will be mean, some people will belittle and undermine you. This is their pain and their burden, not yours, and by reacting in a manner of grace and composure, their poison will be returned back to them.

All in all, when dealing with people, I believe it is best to act in a mindset of compassion and steadfastness, whether you are on the receiving end of the discussion or vice versa.